Thursday, May 25, 2017

A Cup of Tea

“A cup of tea.” I said. 

“Anything else.” She asked. 

“No, thanks. I just had a lunch.” I said. I looked into the diagonal pattern of table cloths in red and white, stain from ezay was still there. Mental note to self, if I open a restaurant, never to buy a white linen clothes. But white is a color of purity, only if you can keep it clean.

I started guessing the dimension of the room, looking at the atheistic view of particle board paneling on the wall but timber paneling would have been better, rich creamy colour of wall and I was doing everything to keep myself from running away.

Run away but why and from whom?

“Hey? Tshering? Why are you so lost?”

I jerked from the inner monologue and her confused inquiring eyes made me more perplexed.

“Huh? Sorry, nothing.” I said and looked into beautiful frame with a black and white painting of an old man. I stopped breathing when I looked at the serenity and contentment on his face despite ragged clothes, barefoot and scarred face.

“Tssheringgg.” Her cautious voice gently tugged me out from envious happiness of old man in a painting.

“Huh…yes.” I noticed a cup of tea in front of me and coffee on her side.

“You are doing it again.” She said sternly.

“What?” my mind fail to assemble what she was saying.

“Mumbling to yourself, cracking knuckles and existing in different world.”

“Huh?” I asked.

“What is bothering you?”

to be happy, which seems impossible for me. Am I asking too much?”

“What do you mean by wanting to be happy? Aren’t you happy?”

“I know I should be happy: I having a successful and stable career, loving people around me, have everything needed in life except happiness.”

“Define happiness.” I avoided her intensifying glare.

“Something is not right. There is no inner peace, I am perplexed and agitated all the time. I am not satisfied with life. Look at that picture on the wall. All I want is serenity and contentment in that old man’s face. Look at him, he has nothing yet everything.” I saw people around me, staring. Maybe I was louder than I intended.

“Why aren’t you happy?”

I didn’t bother to answer as I gulped a cold tea in a one go. Coldness of a tea didn’t bother me but life did.




Tuesday, May 23, 2017

An Escape from Life

Last December, I quit both my job and relationship because I wasn’t happy. It made sense in every way, I didn’t find a reason to live by compromising with my happiness. I simply walked away from things that made me unhappy. I realized I am good at walking away. But how long and far will I walk away from the people and things? I wrapped up things with my job and love, packed and came to place to start a new life. Fast forward six months, new things aren’t new anymore and I am not happy. I was wrong, changing place and people will not change unless I change myself. But staying in one place for long sickens me. A fresh start won’t help unless you are that old whining you. I am constantly questioning myself “What do I want?”, “Happiness” Is an instant answer. Is it too much to ask for? I don’t think I am reasonably being unreasonable by asking for it. What is happiness? There, you see I get stuck, I don’t know what happiness is? Nothing scares me more than not knowing what makes me happy.  


Recent visit to Dungkhar in the locality had me there for long time even after I returned to my place. While going up to the place, I felt the feeling I never felt before. I was so contented walking, it was like I was a different person at that junction; calm, peaceful and happy person. That moment was a rare combo persona of myself. I didn’t feel like returning. It is a possible choice if I ever escaped this so called living.


Another escape would be owning a library of my own. I will never have enough books provided those borrowed books are returned to me on time. I bury my weekend by snuggling in a blanket reading books. This is my kind of solace from the work and life. I recently asked my friend “Is there any kind of job that will pay me for reading?” “Be a writer.” She said.  I thought ‘Only if writing is as easy reading’. Why do I escape from the real world and transit in virtual world? A simple answer is ‘I am so tired of fake people around.’ People are scary, vicious, manipulative and cruel. Now you see the reason why I can’t trust people easily. I met my share of people to know enough that human are so unpredictable. So, people outside and books inside is my philosophy of life. If I can’t travel across the globe, let me know the world through books. One day I will sum up my courage, wrap up so called existing in the name of living and start living in a real sense, doing what I really love even if it is difficult.



Sunday, March 5, 2017

Innate Calling

It’s been a while
Since I lost my sanity
Over your insanity to immerse
Myself, to feel more alive
To breathe the scents of paper
To selfishly indulge myself
For the call I always have been waiting
For the time, I always wanted to come to you.
It’s been a while since I felt you in my every breath
And beating of my heart,
It’s been a while, enough to surface
My fear of losing you, completely
In the scandal of so called ‘growing up’.
Yes, it’s been a while
Since I forgot to feel what it feels like
Having nothing but you.
It’s been a while since I wanted nothing
But you and only you.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Hideous

She had a scar that runs deep
Ugly as it looked, the uglier story behind it.
She wanted to hide and world didn’t wish to see
Gross, scary and partly burnt face
The reason she was afraid to look at mirror
Hideous, hideous, hideous
“A thing of beautiful is a joy forever”
As John Keats echoed through the classic.
She looked last time at mirror
And made another scar on the wrist
A final scar, she needn’t be hideous anymore.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Knock*Knock

“Cheche, close the windows and curtains.” Dema shouted from the kitchen.  Dema remembered the weather forecast predicting the powerful windstorm around evening.

“Yaya Ama.” She reluctantly stood up from sofa and her eyes still glued on TV, Cheche went to close the windows.

*Creak* *Creak* the window in altar room was playing a game. Cheche didn’t want to miss her favorite program, Doreomon. She pushed hard outside and pulled inside with full force.

“Careful Cheche, you will break the glass.” Dema’s audible words burrowed her ears.

“It’s not working, Ama.” She shouted back.

Dema came for her rescue. The wuthering sound was growing louder and scarier with passing time.

“Amaaa….”Cheche screeched abruptly hugging Dema, eight year old has been always afraid of the darkness.

“Shh….love…it will be all right.” Dema lit room with her cellphone torch.

“Ama, when is Apa coming home? I am scared.” Cheche asked following Dema while she went to fetch a candle.

“Soon, love.” Dema assured her daughter not letting her own anxiety show. Dogs howled wrecking her nerves. She tried not to be superstitious.

Time and again, she checked her phone and dialed repeatedly on same number. It was disconnected instantly. With the passing time and growing darkness, something inside her was gnawing her alive.

*Knock*Knock*Knock*

“Cheche….stay here. Seems Apa is back.” She hurried to the main door. Opened.

“Who is there?” Her heart sank lower and as she scanned the premises with torchlight.

“Bloody wind.” She tried to reassure herself.

“Ama, where is Apa? Who is at the door?”

“Love…Apa is coming soon. It was the wind slamming on the door.” She hugged her little one.

*Knock*Knock* Knock*

With each knock, she was gripped by fear. She felt heart shrinking in the darkness.  She hugged Cheche firmly.
“Ama, you are choking me.” Cheche whispered.

“Oh..sorry.” she freed her “Do you want to eat now?”

“I will eat with Apa.”

*Knock*Knock*Knock*

No network coverage, total blackout and her man was nowhere to be seen. Dogs howled again, louder this time.

*Knock*Knock*Knock*

“It’s Apa. I will open the door.” Cheche ran before Dema could stop her.

“Where were you, Apa? You know that I am scared of darkness, Ama too.” Cheche complained.

“I thought you wouldn’t come tonight.” Cheche continued.

Relieved, Dema went to set up dining table. She felt safe when her hubby was around. The rice was still warm in the rice cooker. She reheated the curry and boiled water in the kettle. Tshewang drinks abundance of hot water.

“Apa, when will electricity come?” Dema heard, Cheche has always been a daddy’s girl. When people mockingly made her to choose between Dema and Tshewang, Cheche always chose her father without a second thought.

“Ama..look..Apa brought doll of Elsa and Anna I asked last time.” Cheche came running to her. She wiped her hand and turned to Cheche.

A series of expressions played on Dema’s face; confusion, shock, fright and finally her knees gave away. She wobbly fell down, hot boiling kettle splashing on her, it barely made the difference.

“Ama, what happened?” Her daughter rushed; her left hand was as if holding another hand and in right hand, she was holding an imaginary doll she claimed her father bought. Eight year old saw what Dema didn't. But Dema understood what Cheche couldn't.

Party With Anushka

“Do you want me to hang up?” I heard him.

Silence. Long silence. Again silence.

“Hey….what do you want me to do?” He was exasperated.

Silence. Silence. It was cold outside.

I didn’t want to lie and couldn’t tell him the truth. The distance, abundance of silence, tinge of ignorance and little bit of indifference succeeded in pulling us off. I couldn’t blame time and space however it was a beautiful brief moment with a beautiful soul.

“You don’t have to say anything. I can understand your silence. It confirms everything. I am hanging up the phone.” The followed beep confirmed the break in our connection.

I was numb, at the same time relieved. The beginning and end of the 2016 seems to make me lose friends. Another ending, of course for the betterment. That’s what I always say. And it’s better than locking myself in the situation I can’t change. May be, I am thinking too much, what’s it called? Over thinking? Shhhh….I silenced my mind.

The cold was penetrating through my skin, clear sky with twinkling stars was still beautiful, faraway electricity illuminated village was still serene, and the pieces of my heart was again smiling. I almost heard them saying “You pulled off last time and this time also you can do it. No big deal.”

I reluctantly found agreeing to the voice from within, unbelievably.

The usual warmth of my cozy room was missing at that time. I switched on the TV and like a slap on my face, Anushka was brilliantly dancing on the breakup song from Ae Dil Hai Mushkil.

“Perfect!” isn’t it?

Yeah it is…PURRRFECCCTTTT. Not caring the fact of being non-dancer, I joined her club and danced my heart out. Thank god! Neighbors are out of station and I am all alone at home.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Pieces of Me

Juggling between work and writing is never easy. I almost quit writing for past few months, I thought I lost it like rest of the people. In college days, there were some University Bhutanese blogger whom I used to ardently follow owing to their fascinating posts and frequent updates. Then there was sudden brake on their blog, frequencies started to fall drastically, eventually few stopped writing completely or they stopped updating. I observed that those who stopped updating were one who started to work but there can be some exception like Aue Dawa Knight.  

Then after a graduation, I seems to be walking in their path. Firstly, I stopped writing on my diary because by the end of the day, I was both physically and mentally drained out. The work pressure is extreme; deadline and the work progress wedging me mercilessly, struggling to close gap between negligence and vigilance, learning from the scratch, etc. Works apart! Somehow my writings survived in the poetry and the prose on my phone. I am exhaustedly happy with what I could write even if it is barely a writing.

Got to catch up later…..Bye. Here are the pieces that kept me going. Love.






























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