Thursday, May 25, 2017

A Cup of Tea

“A cup of tea.” I said. 

“Anything else.” She asked. 

“No, thanks. I just had a lunch.” I said. I looked into the diagonal pattern of table cloths in red and white, stain from ezay was still there. Mental note to self, if I open a restaurant, never to buy a white linen clothes. But white is a color of purity, only if you can keep it clean.

I started guessing the dimension of the room, looking at the aesthetic view of particle board paneling on the wall but timber paneling would have been better, rich creamy colour of wall and I was doing everything to keep myself from running away.

Run away but why and from whom?

“Hey? Tshering? Why are you so lost?”

I jerked from the inner monologue and her confused inquiring eyes made me more perplexed.

“Huh? Sorry, nothing.” I said and looked into beautiful frame with a black and white painting of an old man. I stopped breathing when I looked at the serenity and contentment on his face despite ragged clothes, barefoot and scarred face.

“Tssheringgg.” Her cautious voice gently tugged me out from envious happiness of old man in a painting.

“Huh…yes.” I noticed a cup of tea in front of me and coffee on her side.

“You are doing it again.” She said sternly.

“What?” my mind fail to assemble what she was saying.

“Mumbling to yourself, cracking knuckles and existing in different world.”

“Huh?” I asked.

“What is bothering you?”

to be happy, which seems impossible for me. Am I asking too much?”

“What do you mean by wanting to be happy? Aren’t you happy?”

“I know I should be happy: I having a successful and stable career, loving people around me, have everything needed in life except happiness.”

“Define happiness.” I avoided her intensifying glare.

“Something is not right. There is no inner peace, I am perplexed and agitated all the time. I am not satisfied with life. Look at that picture on the wall. All I want is serenity and contentment in that old man’s face. Look at him, he has nothing yet everything.” I saw people around me, staring. Maybe I was louder than I intended.

“Why aren’t you happy?”

I didn’t bother to answer as I gulped a cold tea in a one go. Coldness of a tea didn’t bother me but life did.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

An Escape from Life

Last December, I quit both my job and relationship because I wasn’t happy. It made sense in every way, I didn’t find a reason to live by compromising with my happiness. I simply walked away from things that made me unhappy. I realized I am good at walking away. But how long and far will I walk away from the people and things? I wrapped up things with my job and love, packed and came to place to start a new life. Fast forward six months, new things aren’t new anymore and I am not happy. I was wrong, changing place and people will not change unless I change myself. But staying in one place for long sickens me. A fresh start won’t help unless you are that old whining you. I am constantly questioning myself “What do I want?”, “Happiness” Is an instant answer. Is it too much to ask for? I don’t think I am reasonably being unreasonable by asking for it. What is happiness? There, you see I get stuck, I don’t know what happiness is? Nothing scares me more than not knowing what makes me happy.  

Recent visit to Dungkhar in the locality had me there for long time even after I returned to my place. While going up to the place, I felt the feeling I never felt before. I was so contented walking, it was like I was a different person at that junction; calm, peaceful and happy person. That moment was a rare combo persona of myself. I didn’t feel like returning. It is a possible choice if I ever escaped this so called living.

Another escape would be owning a library of my own. I will never have enough books provided those borrowed books are returned to me on time. I bury my weekend by snuggling in a blanket reading books. This is my kind of solace from the work and life. I recently asked my friend “Is there any kind of job that will pay me for reading?” “Be a writer.” She said.  I thought ‘Only if writing is as easy reading’. Why do I escape from the real world and transit in virtual world? A simple answer is ‘I am so tired of fake people around.’ People are scary, vicious, manipulative and cruel. Now you see the reason why I can’t trust people easily. I met my share of people to know enough that human are so unpredictable. So, people outside and books inside is my philosophy of life. If I can’t travel across the globe, let me know the world through books. One day I will sum up my courage, wrap up so called existing in the name of living and start living in a real sense, doing what I really love even if it is difficult.