Last December, I quit both my job and relationship because I wasn’t happy. It made sense in every way, I didn’t find a reason to live by compromising with my happiness. I simply walked away from things that made me unhappy. I realized I am good at walking away. But how long and far will I walk away from the people and things? I wrapped up things with my job and love, packed and came to place to start a new life. Fast forward six months, new things aren’t new anymore and I am not happy. I was wrong, changing place and people will not change unless I change myself. But staying in one place for long sickens me. A fresh start won’t help unless you are that old whining you. I am constantly questioning myself “What do I want?”, “Happiness” Is an instant answer. Is it too much to ask for? I don’t think I am reasonably being unreasonable by asking for it. What is happiness? There, you see I get stuck, I don’t know what happiness is? Nothing scares me more than not knowing what makes me happy.
Recent visit to Dungkhar in the locality had me there for long time even after I returned to my place. While going up to the place, I felt the feeling I never felt before. I was so contented walking, it was like I was a different person at that junction; calm, peaceful and happy person. That moment was a rare combo persona of myself. I didn’t feel like returning. It is a possible choice if I ever escaped this so called living.
Another escape would be owning a library of my own. I will never have enough books provided those borrowed books are returned to me on time. I bury my weekend by snuggling in a blanket reading books. This is my kind of solace from the work and life. I recently asked my friend “Is there any kind of job that will pay me for reading?” “Be a writer.” She said. I thought ‘Only if writing is as easy reading’. Why do I escape from the real world and transit in virtual world? A simple answer is ‘I am so tired of fake people around.’ People are scary, vicious, manipulative and cruel. Now you see the reason why I can’t trust people easily. I met my share of people to know enough that human are so unpredictable. So, people outside and books inside is my philosophy of life. If I can’t travel across the globe, let me know the world through books. One day I will sum up my courage, wrap up so called existing in the name of living and start living in a real sense, doing what I really love even if it is difficult.