Writing Again!

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Hello! A soft knock on screen and hesitant fingers on a keyboard as I gather my dying confidence to write again. The excuses not to write mounted for days, extending to weeks, months and a year, I need to stop before it trolls to decade then forever.

How I started?

Why did I start writing then? A timid college girl was more confident behind screen then, writing was an escape from the real world. A solace I found to keep myself sane. Looking back, I can safely say that writing was a real savior. The adrenaline rush I had when I made my first post public, waiting for the judgement and criticism to seep in, of course, nothing big happened as people hardly read what I wrote. That didn’t defer my confidence to write all shitty stuffs as I went on to write shittier stuffs. Writing and making it public was huge step for an introvert person, I was baring my soul through it. I was letting people see what I actually felt. A naive girl in pursuit of solace wrote without caring the content or grammar, not that this-not-so-naive woman now, heck care about the rules of writing a meaningful proof read article with embroidery grammar decorated in poetic language.

An escape plan perfectly worked out and I found myself at ease when I was writing. There was this undeniable subtle joy in expressing without interruption, being able to say what I felt and had it been not for writing, all hell must have broken loose with a dying soul. The weight of suppressing your thoughts catapult in the form of emotional outburst and breakdown. And I am not really good with emotional stuffs.

Writing was another excuse I gave myself not to study, the price for which I am still paying. Not that I am complaining, because if I did something right then, this is it, the blogging. To write again is to feel the adrenaline rush again as I hear loud thud in left chest as if the heart is beating for the right reason again. Like a lost child, I am finding my way back home. Scared of wandering for so long but I know I am always welcomed.

Those meaningless time consuming cringy articles, romantic short stories, emotional prose and poems on loop, I may not be very proud but am definitely not ashamed of what I wrote. If I have learned anything over time, it is to accept ourselves with our flaws. Acceptance and self-love is the best gift we can give ourselves.

Writing held me tight during the hard times, celebrated all the joys and inked the best moments down the memory lane and brought the best thing in my life. The only way to be grateful for all beautiful things writing gave me is to write again.

Fighting Them

For hours, I flipped the pages going deeper through the eyes of Toru Watanabe in Norwegian Wood. I finally gave up to strained eyes and striking midnight. The fatigue easily induced sleep. Long before I could process the thoughts or complain about the nights, I subconsciously slipped into another world. The monsoon and rain, not much to complain.

I woke in the middle of the night by soft knock on the door followed by the bouncing of basketball. Alarmed, I reached for cellphone to check the time ‘Seriously? 1:48am, who the hell is playing basketball at this hour?’ The urge to get out and smack the punk was more than failing heart at that moment.

My ghost walked through bedroom door, main door and verandah door without unlatching a single door. She had a cricket bat clasped tightly. FYI a cricket bat from neighboring kid. Black tights were complimented well by the black boots and leather jacket, a top tied hair and fire in her eyes. The full moon illumination made it picture perfect just like a scene from a movie.

As light as she walked inching closer to them, she never felt stronger in years. The smirk on her lips, determination to teach lesson to those bastards and upright posture almost gave chill to those immature punks. She scanned around to each face and counted the head. As per her quick mental calculation she jumped high, kicked all six of them subsequently and landed with a class. She beat two of them with bat while still kicking and pinning others with her boots. The groans and cries made her to stop beating the shit out of them. She almost beat them again and warned with conviction to never disturb the neighborhood again. They agreed instantly and ran away feebly.

With the triumphant smile and fireworks in the background, she threw the bat in a style and walked as if she owned the night putting shame to the witnessing stars and a moon. Yes, without unlocking, she passed all three doors and came to celebrate with me. She looked radiant glowing with the undisputable confidence.

There she found me cornered at bed, draped in blanket clutching the bed sheet, sweating profusely, holding a pee, prayer beads in hand and chanting ‘Om Ah Hung Benza Guru Pema Siddhi Hung’ thousand times.

Lesbo

Friend: Everyone will have better luck than me.

              For me I always lose my love no matter how hard I try.

Me: Oh

Friend: There always comes a challenger

              And this time it’s you (angry emoticon)                           

   Lesbo (*frown* *frown* *frown)

Me: My luck (*tongue out* *tongue out* tongue out*)

Friend: I always doubted your feminine version

             And I was not wrong.

Me: Hahhaa

I too felt that

A guy inside my soul.

Friend: Wish I could kill that guy version in you.

Me: Hahaha

Btw will loving a guy make me ‘gay’?

Coz I once loved a guy. ROFL

Friend: You won’t be considered gay but the one love you is definitely a gay.

              Hahahahahaaa

So it all started when a guy friend of mine fell in love at first sight with my best friend. A painful one sided love story it became. Unrequited love groomed his writing bringing out poet and romantic author (blessing in disguise, I guess). I must admit that he was always good at writing, he needed little push which a love gave him, a painful push in fact…oops. So after a real long persuasion when his love wasn’t wholly reciprocated, he finally left everything in God’s hand, mind it he never really gave up. What choice he had rather to leave everything at mercy of fate? Love can’t be forced. 

Now he partly thinks I am responsible and he blames me for robbing his love; I am a healthy competitor for him. Can’t help laughing. Can’t defend him because we (me and my best friend) are very much in love. Ho..ho..hold on, of course not in the way you guys are thinking. Love in divine way. No words can really describe what really exist between us. Without pretense, I can be comfortably myself with her. We share a weird dream of going to faraway place leaving the strings of responsibilities behind. Together, child within us come out and we don’t care about the rest of the world. We giggle, play, laugh and do all the stupid things enough to raise eyebrows of anyone who sees us.

Where by my relation with a guy friend is more of a cat-dog type; we can’t stand sight of each other till we insult each other. All derogatory lines surfacing out of our mouth like we had grudge of past 6 generations and it is the last chance we have to insult each other. That is the beauty of individual. Dude! Even if your place is in the bottom of my heart, you are within my special circle. I need you in my friendship circle to make me realize how great my other friends are. Hahaa….I am so used to insulting you….Even when I want to say something good, things like “Jerk” will come out first followed by many worst line. I simply don’t know how to be polite with you.   

P.s: Both of you are damn special. Wish you guys a luck :D  

Just Friends

I tagged along my guy friend to buy kitchen items. For the beginner, I need those essential and basic things to settle down. I am going to start living myself, independently. We hopped from shop to another looking for something good but unfortunately ‘something good’ turns out to be very expensive and those falling under the range of my budget weren’t up to the marks. I needed the best one at reasonable price (Wink). Welcome! To real life of independence, where you started to own ‘spoon’ bought from the hard-earned money of yours.

One point, we dropped by internet cafe to buy ‘movies’ though I must admit that things have changed since I started working. I can hardly complete a movie without falling asleep; there were times when I used to stay whole night watching series, next day directly attending the class. I must have been ‘super girl’ at that time. It costs Nu. 50 per movie. ‘Whoahhh’ it is too expensive, I told him how we used to download every latest movies in the college. Meanwhile transferring, we casually talked with the owner of an internet cafe and my friend asked from where we can get gas stove in the market.

He replied question to us “Newly married? I immediately corrected “No…no…just friends” by laughing off and my friend too was laughing. It was not his mistake to think like that, we gave the impression of it; a guy and a girl shopping for the basic things to settle down, if I were him, I must have thought the same. It is the flaw of the society; no guy and a girl can be just friends, a society made a trend of judging that way. He is more of an elder brother to me than a friend, a caring one in fact. He addresses me ‘Chungku’. I can say a brother from different mothers though it will question the fidelity of my father, jokes apart.

In one shop, I met a friend of high school; she was also with a guy, buying buckets, ladle, cups and all. Seems, she too was settling down like a dancing dust after vibrant youthfulness in the sky. She asked me “Your husband?” Gosh! I thought “really?” what was wrong with the people. I said again “Just friends”. It turned out; a guy she was with is her husband. I congratulated them and went venturing the things I needed to buy.

My friend said his father was in town and he had some work with him. I didn’t accompany him knowing it will give only ‘one impression’, an impression of a couple. He didn’t ask me twice, may be knew how a mind of an old man works. I chose to wait for him in a bookstore nearby which led me to buy books though it wasn’t in my priority list at that time.

The next day I had to go and get gas cylinder early in the morning, so I was going for a sleepover at friend’s house that was going to accompany me. I couldn’t take things with me, so I had to keep things with someone I know. That Uncle notoriously asked “Boyfriend?” I shake it off and said “Guy friend.”

He wasn’t convinced because he asked about the other guy, confused, I asked “Which one?” from the way he looked I understood what he thought of me. I at least had a curtsy to answer his questions. I was little infuriated with the way some people thinks. I felt sorry for those who got only one track thought. He has a shop below my office; from there he can clearly see me walking up and down. I got couple of guy friends who sometimes drop by my office, sometimes in a group and other time alone. I always walk them till basement simply because they are my friends. I enjoy a company of good people that I don’t mind hanging with them in a bar till midnight even if I am an only girl. I feel so secure with them because they are the people worth trusting. What others think about me is none of my business, so I am letting it pass. An only thing matter is what I think of myself.

By the way being ‘just friends’ between opposite gender is the trending fashion in the world of friendship.

Short Story: Odds and Even

She cracked her knuckles nervously, while tapping left foot unconsciously on the tiles beneath with her brown boots, her breath was punctuated by a long sigh of agitation, she looked around scanning the faces of a by passer. Her temper at that moment was way away from sweet unlike she is usually being referred. White linen coat barely prevented the chill from getting into her bones. She crossed her arms, occasionally rubbed her palms and blew warm air, puffed red nose and rosy cheeks didn’t hide a slightest fact that she had been out for a long time. Waiting was tedious in cold evening of a harsh winter.

“Fifteen more minutes then I will be gone.” It was the fifth time she said to herself. Who was she fooling? A second stretched to a minute, a minute to an hour and it almost felt like a millennium. Her head scolded her to stand up and walk away but heart begged to stay little more with ‘What if he turns up? He might have a reasonable excuse for being unreasonably late.’ Yet again, a head was in a lost battle with a heart.

She took out phone and dialed a number; she was flatly disconnected time and again. She stood up and walked straight to Memorial Chorten, her favorite place to seek solace. On the way, she dropped him a message stating she is on the way to home. Her feet did walking while her mind was so blankly engrossed in nothing specific. The beep indicated that she got a text. She didn’t bother to check, she was disappointed and disgusted.

Her temptation won as she read the text

Him: I am really sorry. Something urgent came up.  Where did you reach?

Her: In a taxi. (She lied)

Him: Ok. Travel safe. Can we meet tomorrow?

Her: I don’t think so, tight schedule. (She lied again).

Him: Ok. I am really sorry for today.

Her: It’s ok. I didn’t wait much. (She tried to figure out how much is ‘much’ in her perception, more than an hour was definitely not qualified in ‘much’)

Him: Reached?

Her: Almost. (The beautifully illuminated Chorten greeted her with countable head making rounds and she joined them trying to clear her minds off the shits of her life.)

Him: Ok then. Cya.

Her: Yaya. Btw where are you?

Him: Right besides you.

She instinctively turned back; saw him grinning like a fool, waving hand with a cell and closing the gap between then.

“Pretty little liar.” He pinched her nose in a playful manner.

“This is not funny.” she brushed off his hand, least hiding she was miffed with him.

“It was fun watching you all the way.” He was goddamn prankster, she usually found it cute but not at that moment.

“Were you stalking me all the way from park?” her anger rose to the level to match the explosion of volcano.

“I didn’t plan to, mean it. I was there on time. You were sitting on the bench, so engrossed in thoughts. I wanted to see more of your ‘lost in thought’ avatar.”

She made a face of ‘hardly convinced’ one.

“What was going on in your head while waiting for an hour sitting on that particular bench? When you took out the phone and dialed, I had to turn it in a flight mode, else you might have caught me there. ”

“Nothing.” She looked at him curiously, doubting whether he is the one she fought with just yesterday and swore to never see his face just few minutes ago before he appeared behind her like a superman.

“Pretty little liar.” He again pinched her nose, this time she smiled with the subsiding anger.

“What were you thinking when you were watching me from behind?”She asked making rounds.

“I was wondering what were going on your pretty little head.” He smiled and brushed off her head with his gloved hand; she could say that he was in the best mood.

He fetched Cadbury Diary Milk Silk from his jacket pocket and handed over to her. He has a habit of pampering her with chocolate knowing she couldn’t resist the sight of it. They walked in silence knowing that they have things to sort which wouldn’t be best if it was acted on impulse and rashly.

“It is getting late. I gotta go.” She said without looking at him.

“I will walk you home.” He said holding her hand “God! You are freezing.”

“Thanks to you.” She laughed this time.

He took out his left glove, coerced her to wear it, entwined her left with his right and put it in his jacket. Her hand brushed with note in his pocket.

“It is yours. You get to read it when you get back home.”

 She looked at him, falling in love all over again and silently thanking god for this wonderful gift in midst of a chaotic society.

“Your abode my dear. Cya, tomorrow. ” He hugged her tight and placed a light peck on her temple and walks off to his home, whistling with a beaming soul.

“Mom! I am home.” She cheerfully shouted unlike a girl in the morning, which walked out of a house like a zombie.

“Chunu, ajjo ta saro dillo bayo ni.” Her mother said looking at digital wall clock which reads 9:18 pm.

“I had some work at office.” She lied feeling guiltier than ever for having had lie many times in a day.

She sneaked into her room, opened a chit which reads;

Dear  Chunu,

The journey is gonna be rough but I guarantee you a happy ending. Stay strong till then. Remember we are gonna fight till end, no giving up in between because I won’t give up and won’t let you to.

                                                                           Love

                                                                           Tashi

N.B: Excuse my Nepali sentence in the story; I ain’t good with the language. The story turned out too cheesy. ROFL

A Break (^o^)

I typed, erased all, then typed and again erased all. I slammed the laptop out of sheer frustration unable write a word. The things I love seemed so distant, I wanted to write something but my mind seems blank as I couldn’t compose a single line without having to erase it. Damn! I cursed, which I have been doing a lot lately.

What? I asked, of course not to the walls but to myself. I was looking inside my heart, it is so ugly, and I have become the person I always detested. What am I doing to myself? I am losing a battle against myself. How am I to win when I don’t know what I am fighting for? It surely isn’t a battle but what is it, if it isn’t? I feel so lost, never mind, not in the street but I can hardly locate where my mind is, don’t tell me it is inside my brain because dear I am definitely not in a mood to joke, so back off…precisely 10 feet away from me. Later on, don’t tell me if you are a victim of my targeted accidental blow.

Haha…this is funny, excuse my laugh I have this dreadful habit of laughing at serious situation.

“Darling, you need a break.” I heard my inner voice.

“You mean Kitkat break…ok…I will get one on the way to home.”

“Dummy, a break from the work and life; a real break as in vacation, you need to go to exotic location and dip your feet in a sauna, grab pile of books and read till your eyes tears out and write a journal till you run out of ink.”

“So is that your definition of a vacation?”

“No it isn’t but it is what you really need at this moment.”

“Really, do I need this kind of vacation?” I wrinkled my nose, questioning myself.

n.b: I don’t know when I wrote this piece but it is so funny, I couldn’t help posting. Surely, I needed a break that time.

< Baby >

“Are you serious?” I asked.

“Yes, I am.” She said with a beautiful laugh further confusing me.

“Really?” I raised my eyebrows wanting to believe her.

“I mean it.” Yet another laugh escaped from her.

“Ok” sigh “why now?”

“What’s wrong with ‘now’? She particularly stressed ‘now’.

“Seriously? You are 50 now.” I laughed at her face not wanting to believe but wishing she meant every word.

“What’s wrong?” she asked in a serious tone.

“Do you know what are you agreeing to?” I wanted to confirm she really wants this.

“Yes…. I am, with full determination and commitment.” She looks convincing.

“What will people say about it?”

“I don’t care. Wait a minute…. I will say it is your child.” We laughed; it is such a pleasant discussion.

“Hahaa…people will believe it.” I managed to say between vibrating laugh.

“Even if I say it’s mine, people will not believe and will think it’s yours as I am 50 and you are 22.” She made her stand clear.

“No problems as long as you are agreeing to take that child.” I couldn’t help smiling.

“Promise me, you will raise that baby well.” I wanted to ensure the future of a child.

“You have any doubt?” her teasing tone further made me doubt her words.

“Yes…..I am doubtful. You are excellent mother of three. You raised your kids well but here, it is different. Due to personal obligations, her mother is ready to give in safe hand.” I stressed ‘safe’ making sure she gets it.

“Have I mistreated you ever since you are not my child?”

“Come on! It’s different case. I am your sister’s daughter. We are related. There is no question of mistreating me. She is different…a stranger’s daughter, a special baby.”

“What difference will it make? I need a kid around and she needs a mother. Our situation is like a jigsaw puzzle perfectly fitting each other.”

“You are growing old and she is too young. If you need kids around, I am sure you will have your own grandchildren after couple of years. Here, the security and future of that baby girl is in question.” I sounded mature to myself.

The discussion got stuck there with no sign of further movement. I feel for the little life that is unaware of the people weaving her fate; tangling, juggling, tossing and messing with her life. She is a god gifted, a miracle child who deserves the best in the world. And unfortunately, I realized I am not the best choice for her. Forget it…not even close to being good for her.

The Myths and Fallacies of Studying

I am currently studying Unit 8: New Development in Earthquake Design Philosophy of Earthquake Resistant Design of Buildings, the sub-topic reads ‘The Myth and Fallacies of Earthquake Engineering.’ Don’t worry, I am not going to bore you guys by discussing the content because I am yet to see what is there in it. Am I the only one or anyone experienced like everything become interesting during exam time except studying?

I am going to tell you about the myth and fallacies of studying, mind you, it is purely based on my experiences and if it resembles to you in any manner, stay cool, know that you are the not only one experiencing the ‘Chronic Disease of Not Studying Syndrome’ aka CDNSS.

Let me tell you about the factors triggering the disease. Hold your breath, I am going to reveal ugly truth you will hate to admit. If any of the following occurs with you, beware that you are likely to or already suffering from CDNSS.

You have thousand reasons to study but you come up with thousand and one reasons not to.

An excuse of an unavoidable situation during exam time to visit town that could take just half an hour but you choose to waste half a day loitering, eating and shopping things you don’t need.

If you can stay till the crack of dawn downloading latest movies or watching movies or chatting, but if asked to study seriously, you will be like ‘drooling on the notebook sleeping like a lost puppy in the rain at parapet nearby your house’. 

You have to sacrifice sleep to make up for the time they wasted, but you will be sleeping 1-2 hours after every 15 minutes of studying.

You have to abstain from social networking websites during exam time, you will be full on with hashtag on instagram, tweeting nonsense at twitter, at people nearby on wechat, online on whatsapp, updating/commenting on status on facebook or blogging nonsense like me now.

Ok…let me tell you about the stages in CDNSS.

Pre-Stage: When exam is a month away, you are cool with an attitude ‘I still have 30 more days to go. I can have 5 days allocated for studying each module.’

Stage I: ‘Darn! I am yet to start studying,’ you have exam in a week. You plan to study other modules in a gap after writing one paper.

Stage II: You have exam tomorrow, you dream with opened books and closed eyes. You didn’t even finish reading once when your friends are doing second revision.

Stage III: Red Alert! You are critically ill with CDNSS. You give up studying and plan to sit for re-assessment. And you are doomed. BOOM!!!

Hmmm…..regarding me, I mastered all the stages. Just kidding…of course I am studying. I was bored and needed a break, so I thought I could lighten up by writing something humorous and nonsense. Good luck with exams, folks(of course only if you are writing or planning to write one). Fighting! Take care: D