Sugar

“Do you want a tea?” my colleague asked.

“Yeah…thanks.” I said continuing to work on estimation and BoQ.

“Hey…put 2 two cubes of sugar.” I added.

“Huh? What happened today, you usually drink tea without sugar?” She asked curiously. When I first joined, she gave me a coffee…too sweet for my liking so I barely touched a cup.

With the passing days and blending atmosphere, I told her that I prefer tea without sugar. She noted that though she forgets sometimes *smile*.

“My life is too sour and bitter these days. I need to bring sweetness in it. So I am thinking of starting by adding sugar in a tea.” I said as a matter of fact but she brushed off by laughing “Oyeee” while handing me a cup of tea.

I sipped from the tapering white colored cup; I grimaced with the taste unable to gulp the concentrated sweetness.

She looked at my face studying the reaction and laughed, “I put three instead, so your life can be sweeter in jiffy.”

I made a face, what kind of; I don’t know…I bet not the pleasant one.

“My fault, I need sweetness in my life not in a tea.” I muttered, barely audible to myself.

< Baby >

“Are you serious?” I asked.

“Yes, I am.” She said with a beautiful laugh further confusing me.

“Really?” I raised my eyebrows wanting to believe her.

“I mean it.” Yet another laugh escaped from her.

“Ok” sigh “why now?”

“What’s wrong with ‘now’? She particularly stressed ‘now’.

“Seriously? You are 50 now.” I laughed at her face not wanting to believe but wishing she meant every word.

“What’s wrong?” she asked in a serious tone.

“Do you know what are you agreeing to?” I wanted to confirm she really wants this.

“Yes…. I am, with full determination and commitment.” She looks convincing.

“What will people say about it?”

“I don’t care. Wait a minute…. I will say it is your child.” We laughed; it is such a pleasant discussion.

“Hahaa…people will believe it.” I managed to say between vibrating laugh.

“Even if I say it’s mine, people will not believe and will think it’s yours as I am 50 and you are 22.” She made her stand clear.

“No problems as long as you are agreeing to take that child.” I couldn’t help smiling.

“Promise me, you will raise that baby well.” I wanted to ensure the future of a child.

“You have any doubt?” her teasing tone further made me doubt her words.

“Yes…..I am doubtful. You are excellent mother of three. You raised your kids well but here, it is different. Due to personal obligations, her mother is ready to give in safe hand.” I stressed ‘safe’ making sure she gets it.

“Have I mistreated you ever since you are not my child?”

“Come on! It’s different case. I am your sister’s daughter. We are related. There is no question of mistreating me. She is different…a stranger’s daughter, a special baby.”

“What difference will it make? I need a kid around and she needs a mother. Our situation is like a jigsaw puzzle perfectly fitting each other.”

“You are growing old and she is too young. If you need kids around, I am sure you will have your own grandchildren after couple of years. Here, the security and future of that baby girl is in question.” I sounded mature to myself.

The discussion got stuck there with no sign of further movement. I feel for the little life that is unaware of the people weaving her fate; tangling, juggling, tossing and messing with her life. She is a god gifted, a miracle child who deserves the best in the world. And unfortunately, I realized I am not the best choice for her. Forget it…not even close to being good for her.

Walk

The sun hides behind the gloomy cloud depriving the world of its warmth of this cold winter, the chill of winter breezes can be felt despite the layers of clothes on. In the midst of dancing dust, moving vehicles, rushing people, I am one of the heads walking on the streets of the town. Blowing warm air, rubbing my palms together and bringing it on my face, tightening the muffler so there is no room left for air to sneak; I walked straight to the place where I belong. The night announces its arrival too soon, the wind is wilder than I ever experienced, and people are so distant. I focused on the road, careful to avoid bumping with people or potholes on the road. Unconsciously scanning the faces and noticing how different and beautiful each person is; appreciating the beauty, innocence, confidence, style and uniqueness of each individual and imagining how beautiful the world will be, if we know everyone, everywhere or anywhere. The warmth in strangers are yet to reach their eyes, the connection yet to get linked and the welcome yet to feel, but I believe the sun of tomorrow promising new rays of hope. 

As I walk this walk in the crowded street, only assurance is that tomorrow will be better; the sun will be brighter and warmer, dust little calmer, wind little milder and the people more friendly.

I take my cell phone, plug the earpiece and play the music. Perfectly, Hozier at his best begins singing ‘Someone New’. I get immersed in his song as it best suits the situation.

Sorry 2015

At the beginning of 2015, when everyone was making thousand and one resolutions welcoming new year, I openly didn’t made any but silently vowed to post 100 articles on my blog. A silent vow which failed to raise its voice and claim its right by remaining subdued under the chaos of the life. A promise I couldn’t keep myself, what can others expect from me? Do I owe any explanation to anyone or honestly to myself? Not likely because I might defend to justify myself in front of world with unending lists of explanation and the good world might do something stupid like believing in those but how can I fool the soul in me who knows the truth. I might be able to fool the world but not the person within me who daily watches my deed and keeps record of it. If I do something out of boundary of humanity, she constantly brags about it until I am weighed down the guilt (she makes sure I feel it, in case I forget). I can escape from the tiniest hole from the world but she never lets me, she is good at her works. She makes sure I get what I deserve, be it anything. Silently, she makes me and breaks me too, depending on the situation but she does what is needed. The fool in me often comes out with the ideas of thousand blunders but she screens and discards all, and the battle begins between us. Most of the time, she wins but sometimes I get lucky but I always regret for winning. For my win back fire me and stab in the place where it hurts more.

2015, I am sorry for the every disappointment you got to see in me, for every ugliness I showed to you, for every promises I couldn’t keep, for every little stupid mistakes I made and for not being a person I ought to be. But keeping all the apologies and guilt behind, I thank 2015 for every beautiful lesson I learned, for every moment I engraved in life, for every support you rendered, for every love I could feel and the remarkable presence and changes you made in my life.

More importantly, I am grateful to the voice in me who always keep me on the track. I have guardian within me who will never let me down, a person whom I can trust with my closed eyes because she has a clear vision, better understanding and in depth maturity that I lack.

*laughing out loud…stupid laugh* I don’t know what rubbish am I writing now? It doesn’t make sense, it wasn’t supposed to. Anything that makes sense is for those who care but fools like me sometimes just don’t care, as simple as that.

Sorry 2015, what I say isn’t what I feel but what I write is exactly how I feel. Am I making sense? *smirk*