Knock*Knock

“Cheche, close the windows and curtains.” Dema shouted from the kitchen.  Dema remembered the weather forecast predicting the powerful windstorm around evening.

“Yaya Ama.” She reluctantly stood up from sofa and her eyes still glued on TV, Cheche went to close the windows.

*Creak* *Creak* the window in altar room was playing a game. Cheche didn’t want to miss her favorite program, Doreomon. She pushed hard outside and pulled inside with full force.

“Careful Cheche, you will break the glass.” Dema’s audible words burrowed her ears.

“It’s not working, Ama.” She shouted back.

Dema came for her rescue. The wuthering sound was growing louder and scarier with passing time.

“Amaaa….”Cheche screeched abruptly hugging Dema, eight year old has been always afraid of the darkness.

“Shh….love…it will be all right.” Dema lit room with her cellphone torch.

“Ama, when is Apa coming home? I am scared.” Cheche asked following Dema while she went to fetch a candle.

“Soon, love.” Dema assured her daughter not letting her own anxiety show. Dogs howled wrecking her nerves. She tried not to be superstitious.

Time and again, she checked her phone and dialed repeatedly on same number. It was disconnected instantly. With the passing time and growing darkness, something inside her was gnawing her alive.

*Knock*Knock*Knock*

“Cheche….stay here. Seems Apa is back.” She hurried to the main door. Opened.

“Who is there?” Her heart sank lower and as she scanned the premises with torchlight.

“Bloody wind.” She tried to reassure herself.

“Ama, where is Apa? Who is at the door?”

“Love…Apa is coming soon. It was the wind slamming on the door.” She hugged her little one.

*Knock*Knock* Knock*

With each knock, she was gripped by fear. She felt heart shrinking in the darkness.  She hugged Cheche firmly.

“Ama, you are choking me.” Cheche whispered.

“Oh..sorry.” she freed her “Do you want to eat now?”

“I will eat with Apa.”

*Knock*Knock*Knock*

No network coverage, total blackout and her man was nowhere to be seen. Dogs howled again, louder this time.

*Knock*Knock*Knock*

“It’s Apa. I will open the door.” Cheche ran before Dema could stop her.

“Where were you, Apa? You know that I am scared of darkness, Ama too.” Cheche complained.

“I thought you wouldn’t come tonight.” Cheche continued.

Relieved, Dema went to set up dining table. She felt safe when her hubby was around. The rice was still warm in the rice cooker. She reheated the curry and boiled water in the kettle. Tshewang drinks abundance of hot water.

“Apa, when will electricity come?” Dema heard, Cheche has always been a daddy’s girl. When people mockingly made her to choose between Dema and Tshewang, Cheche always chose her father without a second thought.

“Ama..look..Apa brought doll of Elsa and Anna I asked last time.” Cheche came running to her. She wiped her hand and turned to Cheche.

A series of expressions played on Dema’s face; confusion, shock, fright and finally her knees gave away. She wobbly fell down, hot boiling kettle splashing on her, it barely made the difference.

“Ama, what happened?” Her daughter rushed; her left hand was as if holding another hand and in right hand, she was holding an imaginary doll she claimed her father bought. Eight year old saw what Dema didn't. But Dema understood what Cheche couldn't.

Pieces of Me

Juggling between work and writing is never easy. I almost quit writing for past few months, I thought I lost it like rest of the people. In college days, there were some University Bhutanese blogger whom I used to ardently follow owing to their fascinating posts and frequent updates. Then there was sudden brake on their blog, frequencies started to fall drastically, eventually few stopped writing completely or they stopped updating. I observed that those who stopped updating were one who started to work but there can be some exception like Aue Dawa Knight.  

Then after a graduation, I seems to be walking in their path. Firstly, I stopped writing on my diary because by the end of the day, I was both physically and mentally drained out. The work pressure is extreme; deadline and the work progress wedging me mercilessly, struggling to close gap between negligence and vigilance, learning from the scratch, etc. Works apart! Somehow my writings survived in the poetry and the prose on my phone. I am exhaustedly happy with what I could write even if it is barely a writing.

Got to catch up later…..Bye. Here are the pieces that kept me going. Love.

Thank You :D :D :D <3

After A Break

Greetings From Trashiyangtse!

When I sleep little earlier than usual, I woke up little early. Isn't that little obvious? Little early as in 2:47 am, then I realized I am starving with 'too scared to walk three steps' to grab something to eat. As I deny my stomach, my mind starts a serious marathon of all worst possible horror movies I watched and ghosts stories I remember. I feel creepy fingers at my back, ready to strangulate and choke me. The heaviness in heart get clogged in throat. Shortness of breath, stagnates life and the vulnerability at its peak. I can hear distant yet clear barking of dogs, to my relief. Then I realized I like noise better than the silence. Ironically, silence is the loudest thing I can hear, exceptionally wrecking my nerves.

In the wee hour I thought of all the thoughts swirling on my mind flourishing with the memories of yesteryear, nostalgic of those precious moments, forever sealed in heart. The moments faded in the chaos of life but something precious always remain buried in us. Then I begin the dissection of my likely future, not so pleased with where it is headed. Preoccupied with past and future, I was letting pass my present. I tamed my heart to concentrate on moments; the complete silence, total blackout and chaotic mind. The silence was broken by the chaos in my mind, the darkness conquered by the dawn of hope awakening in my heart. The shimmering hope was blazing with the positive thoughts I fed. It was in the darkness, I saw my soul clearly.

The chaos settled eventually to get replaced by the serenity of the moments of isolation from the world. In the process of building a shelter, I am building myself scratch by scratch and inch by inch.

Then I took my phone, dialled and I am greeted by sleepy voice “Hello! Isn’t little too late to call?”

“Not late to miss a person and let know.” I hear myself crackling with the million smiles.

READING something that is not WRITTEN

I want to read something that is not written. 

A piece that speaks out my emotions like pus 

oozing out of the wound (bad choice of comparison)

 or something I will feel like it hits perfectly on my 

soul, and it will clear all the fog of doubts before my 

eyes. Something that gives me an inner peace, 

soothing me with happiness, making my heart 

jump in joy with the revelation so profound. 

Something like an answer to my quest closing the 

gap between my curiosities and doubts. Something

which will lift me up higher to the ecstasy and 

speak higher volume of truth.  May be piece describing

the cause of my mood swings every hour or just a 

reminder to let me push myself further to meet the victory 

margin with the smile. Or something which tells me 

what is going on with my life, like a simple guide 

book to live my life.

And I must write that for myself. 

It Changes

Once it meant a world to me
But now it barely budge me
The person I thought I couldn't live without
Is just a distant memory with a lesson
Chunk of friends I used to hang out
Played the role and are really gone
People I couldn't stand are by my side
Cheering, jeering and loving all the same
Then this person

Stolen Glance

I closed my eyes
Trying to conjure the images
Of past and future together
Then I felt an intense scrutiny
From the guy next seat
Making me fidget

Suicidal Romance

A sky asked me once
Why don't you come up?
I have moon, stars and sun
And you could be the one
A temptation was so strong
To be the one of the star
That the people will look up
At night, admiring
With millions of thoughts running
But I realised I have the universe
On the earth, a loving one;
Family, friends and a love.
Then I replied to the sky
Later, when the right time comes
Sooner or later but I will be one of you
For now, let me love you from the earth.

Chosen

Of all the agony and pain
I still wonder
Why did you choose me?
I have the scars
That aren't pretty
I have the past
That I ain't proud of
I am a piece of mess
Not worth picking up
I am a broken pieces
Beyond any mending
Of all I am the one
Nobody would choose.

Then you said
Of all the agony and pain
I love your triumphing smile
The scar that runs deep
Has the most beautiful story to tell
The not so pretty past
Shaped into the most beautiful
Person in you
You are the broken pieces
Not meant for mending
But to be loved
I would choose not one
All can love but only I can.
For, you are chosen
Because of who you are.

Moon

It was a moon, I love
Knowing its unstability
Of showcasing the love
Sometimes full or sometimes none
But always a moon.

It was a moon, I love
Knowing its loneliness
Among the thousands stars
Sometimes it cries to sleep or lies wide awake
But always a moon.

It was a moon, I love
Knowing we could feel each other
For nobody else knew the song
Of loneliness better than us
It was always us; a moon and me.

Tears of Diamond

The sky mourn my solitude
Concealing my roar with the thunders
In line we wept, pouring our heart out
In the land of agony.

A pregnant wind of silence
Was roaring in my ear
Whispering the words of comfort
In the land of strangers.

I wept the tears of diamond
In the claws of solitude
And my heart wasn't at ease
With the gnawing choatic silence.

With each passing days
It wasn't getting better
But heavier & heavier
And I am falling apart. 

Lord! Take me away
Real away from here
At faraway place
Where I truly belong.

Lesbo

Friend: Everyone will have better luck than me.

              For me I always lose my love no matter how hard I try.

Me: Oh

Friend: There always comes a challenger

              And this time it’s you (angry emoticon)                           

   Lesbo (*frown* *frown* *frown)

Me: My luck (*tongue out* *tongue out* tongue out*)

Friend: I always doubted your feminine version

             And I was not wrong.

Me: Hahhaa

I too felt that

A guy inside my soul.

Friend: Wish I could kill that guy version in you.

Me: Hahaha

Btw will loving a guy make me ‘gay’?

Coz I once loved a guy. ROFL

Friend: You won’t be considered gay but the one love you is definitely a gay.

              Hahahahahaaa

So it all started when a guy friend of mine fell in love at first sight with my best friend. A painful one sided love story it became. Unrequited love groomed his writing bringing out poet and romantic author (blessing in disguise, I guess). I must admit that he was always good at writing, he needed little push which a love gave him, a painful push in fact…oops. So after a real long persuasion when his love wasn’t wholly reciprocated, he finally left everything in God’s hand, mind it he never really gave up. What choice he had rather to leave everything at mercy of fate? Love can’t be forced. 

Now he partly thinks I am responsible and he blames me for robbing his love; I am a healthy competitor for him. Can’t help laughing. Can’t defend him because we (me and my best friend) are very much in love. Ho..ho..hold on, of course not in the way you guys are thinking. Love in divine way. No words can really describe what really exist between us. Without pretense, I can be comfortably myself with her. We share a weird dream of going to faraway place leaving the strings of responsibilities behind. Together, child within us come out and we don’t care about the rest of the world. We giggle, play, laugh and do all the stupid things enough to raise eyebrows of anyone who sees us.

Where by my relation with a guy friend is more of a cat-dog type; we can’t stand sight of each other till we insult each other. All derogatory lines surfacing out of our mouth like we had grudge of past 6 generations and it is the last chance we have to insult each other. That is the beauty of individual. Dude! Even if your place is in the bottom of my heart, you are within my special circle. I need you in my friendship circle to make me realize how great my other friends are. Hahaa….I am so used to insulting you….Even when I want to say something good, things like “Jerk” will come out first followed by many worst line. I simply don’t know how to be polite with you.   

P.s: Both of you are damn special. Wish you guys a luck :D  

Just Friends

I tagged along my guy friend to buy kitchen items. For the beginner, I need those essential and basic things to settle down. I am going to start living myself, independently. We hopped from shop to another looking for something good but unfortunately ‘something good’ turns out to be very expensive and those falling under the range of my budget weren’t up to the marks. I needed the best one at reasonable price (Wink). Welcome! To real life of independence, where you started to own ‘spoon’ bought from the hard-earned money of yours.

One point, we dropped by internet cafe to buy ‘movies’ though I must admit that things have changed since I started working. I can hardly complete a movie without falling asleep; there were times when I used to stay whole night watching series, next day directly attending the class. I must have been ‘super girl’ at that time. It costs Nu. 50 per movie. ‘Whoahhh’ it is too expensive, I told him how we used to download every latest movies in the college. Meanwhile transferring, we casually talked with the owner of an internet cafe and my friend asked from where we can get gas stove in the market.

He replied question to us “Newly married? I immediately corrected “No…no…just friends” by laughing off and my friend too was laughing. It was not his mistake to think like that, we gave the impression of it; a guy and a girl shopping for the basic things to settle down, if I were him, I must have thought the same. It is the flaw of the society; no guy and a girl can be just friends, a society made a trend of judging that way. He is more of an elder brother to me than a friend, a caring one in fact. He addresses me ‘Chungku’. I can say a brother from different mothers though it will question the fidelity of my father, jokes apart.

In one shop, I met a friend of high school; she was also with a guy, buying buckets, ladle, cups and all. Seems, she too was settling down like a dancing dust after vibrant youthfulness in the sky. She asked me “Your husband?” Gosh! I thought “really?” what was wrong with the people. I said again “Just friends”. It turned out; a guy she was with is her husband. I congratulated them and went venturing the things I needed to buy.

My friend said his father was in town and he had some work with him. I didn’t accompany him knowing it will give only ‘one impression’, an impression of a couple. He didn’t ask me twice, may be knew how a mind of an old man works. I chose to wait for him in a bookstore nearby which led me to buy books though it wasn’t in my priority list at that time.

The next day I had to go and get gas cylinder early in the morning, so I was going for a sleepover at friend’s house that was going to accompany me. I couldn’t take things with me, so I had to keep things with someone I know. That Uncle notoriously asked “Boyfriend?” I shake it off and said “Guy friend.”

He wasn’t convinced because he asked about the other guy, confused, I asked “Which one?” from the way he looked I understood what he thought of me. I at least had a curtsy to answer his questions. I was little infuriated with the way some people thinks. I felt sorry for those who got only one track thought. He has a shop below my office; from there he can clearly see me walking up and down. I got couple of guy friends who sometimes drop by my office, sometimes in a group and other time alone. I always walk them till basement simply because they are my friends. I enjoy a company of good people that I don’t mind hanging with them in a bar till midnight even if I am an only girl. I feel so secure with them because they are the people worth trusting. What others think about me is none of my business, so I am letting it pass. An only thing matter is what I think of myself.

By the way being ‘just friends’ between opposite gender is the trending fashion in the world of friendship.

#Spring

If I was to love

I would love to love;

The budding romance of a nature

With the beautiful peach blossoms of a spring,

Walking bare feet on the misty grass,

Enjoying the divine odor of freshly woken earth,

Watching the crack of dawn and the emergence of sun.

Short Story: Odds and Even

She cracked her knuckles nervously, while tapping left foot unconsciously on the tiles beneath with her brown boots, her breath was punctuated by a long sigh of agitation, she looked around scanning the faces of a by passer. Her temper at that moment was way away from sweet unlike she is usually being referred. White linen coat barely prevented the chill from getting into her bones. She crossed her arms, occasionally rubbed her palms and blew warm air, puffed red nose and rosy cheeks didn’t hide a slightest fact that she had been out for a long time. Waiting was tedious in cold evening of a harsh winter.

“Fifteen more minutes then I will be gone.” It was the fifth time she said to herself. Who was she fooling? A second stretched to a minute, a minute to an hour and it almost felt like a millennium. Her head scolded her to stand up and walk away but heart begged to stay little more with ‘What if he turns up? He might have a reasonable excuse for being unreasonably late.’ Yet again, a head was in a lost battle with a heart.

She took out phone and dialed a number; she was flatly disconnected time and again. She stood up and walked straight to Memorial Chorten, her favorite place to seek solace. On the way, she dropped him a message stating she is on the way to home. Her feet did walking while her mind was so blankly engrossed in nothing specific. The beep indicated that she got a text. She didn’t bother to check, she was disappointed and disgusted.

Her temptation won as she read the text

Him: I am really sorry. Something urgent came up.  Where did you reach?

Her: In a taxi. (She lied)

Him: Ok. Travel safe. Can we meet tomorrow?

Her: I don’t think so, tight schedule. (She lied again).

Him: Ok. I am really sorry for today.

Her: It’s ok. I didn’t wait much. (She tried to figure out how much is ‘much’ in her perception, more than an hour was definitely not qualified in ‘much’)

Him: Reached?

Her: Almost. (The beautifully illuminated Chorten greeted her with countable head making rounds and she joined them trying to clear her minds off the shits of her life.)

Him: Ok then. Cya.

Her: Yaya. Btw where are you?

Him: Right besides you.

She instinctively turned back; saw him grinning like a fool, waving hand with a cell and closing the gap between then.

“Pretty little liar.” He pinched her nose in a playful manner.

“This is not funny.” she brushed off his hand, least hiding she was miffed with him.

“It was fun watching you all the way.” He was goddamn prankster, she usually found it cute but not at that moment.

“Were you stalking me all the way from park?” her anger rose to the level to match the explosion of volcano.

“I didn’t plan to, mean it. I was there on time. You were sitting on the bench, so engrossed in thoughts. I wanted to see more of your ‘lost in thought’ avatar.”

She made a face of ‘hardly convinced’ one.

“What was going on in your head while waiting for an hour sitting on that particular bench? When you took out the phone and dialed, I had to turn it in a flight mode, else you might have caught me there. ”

“Nothing.” She looked at him curiously, doubting whether he is the one she fought with just yesterday and swore to never see his face just few minutes ago before he appeared behind her like a superman.

“Pretty little liar.” He again pinched her nose, this time she smiled with the subsiding anger.

“What were you thinking when you were watching me from behind?”She asked making rounds.

“I was wondering what were going on your pretty little head.” He smiled and brushed off her head with his gloved hand; she could say that he was in the best mood.

He fetched Cadbury Diary Milk Silk from his jacket pocket and handed over to her. He has a habit of pampering her with chocolate knowing she couldn’t resist the sight of it. They walked in silence knowing that they have things to sort which wouldn’t be best if it was acted on impulse and rashly.

“It is getting late. I gotta go.” She said without looking at him.

“I will walk you home.” He said holding her hand “God! You are freezing.”

“Thanks to you.” She laughed this time.

He took out his left glove, coerced her to wear it, entwined her left with his right and put it in his jacket. Her hand brushed with note in his pocket.

“It is yours. You get to read it when you get back home.”

 She looked at him, falling in love all over again and silently thanking god for this wonderful gift in midst of a chaotic society.

“Your abode my dear. Cya, tomorrow. ” He hugged her tight and placed a light peck on her temple and walks off to his home, whistling with a beaming soul.

“Mom! I am home.” She cheerfully shouted unlike a girl in the morning, which walked out of a house like a zombie.

“Chunu, ajjo ta saro dillo bayo ni.” Her mother said looking at digital wall clock which reads 9:18 pm.

“I had some work at office.” She lied feeling guiltier than ever for having had lie many times in a day.

She sneaked into her room, opened a chit which reads;

Dear  Chunu,

The journey is gonna be rough but I guarantee you a happy ending. Stay strong till then. Remember we are gonna fight till end, no giving up in between because I won’t give up and won’t let you to.

                                                                           Love

                                                                           Tashi

N.B: Excuse my Nepali sentence in the story; I ain’t good with the language. The story turned out too cheesy. ROFL

A Break (^o^)

I typed, erased all, then typed and again erased all. I slammed the laptop out of sheer frustration unable write a word. The things I love seemed so distant, I wanted to write something but my mind seems blank as I couldn’t compose a single line without having to erase it. Damn! I cursed, which I have been doing a lot lately.

What? I asked, of course not to the walls but to myself. I was looking inside my heart, it is so ugly, and I have become the person I always detested. What am I doing to myself? I am losing a battle against myself. How am I to win when I don’t know what I am fighting for? It surely isn’t a battle but what is it, if it isn’t? I feel so lost, never mind, not in the street but I can hardly locate where my mind is, don’t tell me it is inside my brain because dear I am definitely not in a mood to joke, so back off…precisely 10 feet away from me. Later on, don’t tell me if you are a victim of my targeted accidental blow.

Haha…this is funny, excuse my laugh I have this dreadful habit of laughing at serious situation.

“Darling, you need a break.” I heard my inner voice.

“You mean Kitkat break…ok…I will get one on the way to home.”

“Dummy, a break from the work and life; a real break as in vacation, you need to go to exotic location and dip your feet in a sauna, grab pile of books and read till your eyes tears out and write a journal till you run out of ink.”

“So is that your definition of a vacation?”

“No it isn’t but it is what you really need at this moment.”

“Really, do I need this kind of vacation?” I wrinkled my nose, questioning myself.

n.b: I don’t know when I wrote this piece but it is so funny, I couldn’t help posting. Surely, I needed a break that time.

The Year I Met You

The year I met you was the year;

Of stagnation of free flowing river,

Entrapped without an inch of escape.

There was no going back or moving on

I remain there, frozen with the time.

Waiting for the sun to melt the coldness

Of a snow queen dwelling in me.

The year I met you was the year;

I drown into the deeper well of thoughts

Without an inch of escape

The more I thought, the more was a pain

The more pain I felt, the more ignorant I became.

The deeper I went, the scarier world was

The scarier world grew the stronger I become.

The year I met you was the year;

Of enlightenment of the soul

The year of discovering myself

The year I learned to live with the pain

The year of great lessons and pleasant memories

The year like never before

It was the year I fell in love with you.

Wrong Turn!

“What was that, the trailer of wrong turn?” I asked myself.

The merciless slashing of the bodies, the skillful yet swift beheading of men, the floating bodies in angry bloody flood and I was in the isle, injured, at my best to survive.

Then I realized it wasn’t a trailer of Wrong Turn but replica of ‘Bajiroa Mastani’ I watched before I slept.

The gruesome nightmare woke me in the wee hour, the morning cold scolded me to sleep, the mattress begged me to stay, the blanket lured me to embrace it and a mind, a slave of my lazy body almost readily agreed to it when I heard Apa in stern tone “ Woo sho Tshering! hang ya zamin rang mangiwa dabu yebchona.”

“Apa please wai…dasu yephey.” I begged hugging blanket tightly.

“Woosho yegpa na. Wunthan Amchi ga toh tey chos pey rumcho.” Apa said again. I could hear the clinking of utensils from kitchen confirming she needs help in the kitchen.

Wrong turn! I don’t want to disappoint my parents again. I reluctantly but guiltily woke up, promising to be more responsible. Apa is currently doing M.Ed at Paro and Ama, Memey and siblings came from Gelephu Tsachu and we are houseful at Amchi’s place. And it was not the best act to sleep like a log when a fireplace oven demands the log to be fed.

One wrong turn and you are doomed.

Rough Start

Only the sound of shoes and heels reverberated despite the queue of people waiting for the visiting hours. Both anxieties and excitements shone in their face. It reads 5:56pm, four minutes to go. People rushed, I directly went to level 3 at ICU section. Uncle greeted me with a weak smile and directed to a place where he was kept. The security guard on the way said we can’t go inside. Uncle requested and begged saying I am patient’s sister, guard let us visit him and asked us to make our visit short. Am I the only one who feel whole hospital set up is so intense and depressing, can’t it be little livelier?

As we went nearer him, I saw him lying but inclining on the bed, living with the help of various technology and machines. He wasn’t he; not a chubby healthy smiling person I last saw him. His eyes fluttering, traces of tears at the corner of eyes, mouth slightly opened, he looked like he hadn’t eaten for months as flesh abandoned his bone. I felt my heart at mouth and I broke at that moment seeing a cousin just two years older battling for the life.

R.I.P Cousin

I couldn’t meet uncle’s eyes; eyes of a helpless father filled with a terror as he saw his son dying in front of him. Moist filled eyes that were looking for a miracle for his ailing son. When I asked him what his disease is, uncle said Doctors are yet to diagnose it, though ‘TB malignancy’ was suspected and he was being treated for that. Uncle recounted his every memorable childhood stories to the details of last few months of sickness. One day when uncle was back for a lunch, a cousin woke at that moment and confronted them saying that they didn’t care him well saying that somebody chopped off his hair in their presence. Another time, he asked them to fetch a person at door who he said has come to treat him though nobody was there actually.

At 8:00pm, an uncle whose daughter at 21 was admitted due to chronic kidney failure informed us that our patient’s health had further deteriorated. Fear gripped us as we looked at each other’s eyes and began praying for a miracle. A minute later, a relative informed that he is little better. We kept praying in a silence, a minute felt like a millennium and waiting seems tedious.

Precisely on 1st January, 2016 at 8:57pm, doctor said sorry to us and we lost him forever. He chooses a path, never to look back. The pain left him and he left us. He was too young to die but god felt he is too old to live. He was a 2^nd year B.Ed student at Samtse. He was at vacation, perhaps a vacation so long that he might never return to his institute.

The cremation took place at 11:26am on 4^th January, which lasted more than 5hours and when finally his ashes were sprinkled on the river, he went to the place beyond our reach yet to everyone’s destination.

What is new about this ‘New Year 2016’ is that old faces are vanishing from my life. I think 2016 is the year to lose the people around me; some to death and some to situation. Both can brings tears in eyes and haunt me enough. I am looking for the reason; the reason to live knowing we are to die ultimately and sometimes abruptly. The reason to live without feeling; when we can feel, we can feel the pain and when the pain feels us, we are hurt bringing unbearable sufferings in life.

Death is an old phenomenon yet every time it strikes us, the pain we feel is new and fresh.